What Do I Say?
Reaching out after a crisis can feel awkward, but a simple, low-pressure message can be a lifeline. The goal is to let them know you’re there without demanding they "perform" wellness or explain themselves. Let them know that “It’s okay to not be okay”. Here are a few options depending on your relationship and where they are in their recovery:
Option 1: The Low-Pressure Check-In
Best for: A general follow-up when you want to show support without forcing a heavy conversation.
"Hey, I just wanted to send some love your way today. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. No need to reply to this, I just wanted you to know I’m in your corner and I’m so glad you’re here."
Option 2: The "Practical Help" Offer
Best for: When they might be overwhelmed by daily life. Specific offers are always better than 'Let me know if you need anything.'
"Hey, I’m headed to the store/grabbing takeout later. Can I drop off [favorite snack/comfort food] or some groceries on your porch? I’d love to see you for a second if you’re up for it, but no pressure at all if you need some space."
Option 3: The "Normalcy" Text
Best for: A friend who might feel "othered" or awkward after what happened and just wants to feel like a person again.
"Thinking of you. I’m around all evening if you want to FaceTime or watch a show together or play a game—or even if you just want some quiet company. Sending a big hug."
Option 4: The Direct Support
Best for: When you want to remind them you are a safe space for the "dark" stuff.
"Checking in on you. I know things have been incredibly heavy lately. Just a reminder that I’m a safe person to vent to if you’re feeling low, and I’ll never judge you for what you're going through. Love you."
💡 A Few Quick Tips for Texting:
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Avoid "How are you?": This can be an exhausting question to answer when the honest answer is "terrible." Try "How are you holding up today?" instead.
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The "No-Reply" Clause: Explicitly saying "No need to reply" takes the social burden off them, which can be a huge relief when someone is depressed.
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Be Consistent: If they don't respond the first time, don't take it personally. Send another low-stakes "thinking of you" text in a day or two.
If they respond and ask to talk, the goal is to be a compassionate anchor. You don't need to be a therapist or have answers; you just need to be a friend who isn't afraid of their truth.
Here is a guide on how to navigate that conversation, whether it’s over the phone or in person:
🎧 How to Listen (The "Holding Space" Method)
When someone is in deep emotional pain, they often feel "too much" for the people around them. By staying steady, you show them their pain isn't a monster that will scare you away.
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Validate, Don't Fix: Instead of offering solutions, mirror their feelings.
User: "I just feel like everything is hopeless."
You: "It sounds like you're carrying a really heavy weight right now. I can hear how exhausted you are."
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The Power of Silence: You don't have to fill every gap. Sometimes, just sitting in silence or saying, "I’m taking in everything you just said," gives them room to breathe.
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Ask Open-Ended Questions:
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"What does it feel like in your head right now?"
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"What is the hardest part of today for you?"
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💬 Phrases to Keep the Conversation Safe
If the conversation gets heavy, these phrases help maintain a supportive environment:
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To encourage more sharing: "Thank you for trusting me with this. I'm listening."
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To show you aren't judging: "It makes sense that you feel this way given everything you've been going through."
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To check on safety (if they seem to be spiraling): "I'm so glad we're talking. Are you feeling safe right this second, or do we need to look at some extra support?"
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To wrap up the talk: "I'm so glad you opened up to me. Can we check in again tomorrow morning?"
🚩 What to do if they "Spiral"
If the conversation becomes overwhelming or you feel they are actively moving toward self-harm again:
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Acknowledge the limit: "I love you and I want to support you, but I'm worried that I'm not enough help for how much you're hurting right now."
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Bridge to professional help: "Can we call a warmline together just to talk through this specific feeling?"
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Safety Plan: Ask if they have a "safety plan" (a list of coping skills and contacts) and offer to help them look at it.
🛡️ Protecting Your Own Mental Health
You are doing a beautiful thing, but it is high-stakes emotional labor.
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Set "Gentle" Boundaries: It is perfectly okay to say, "I want to give you my full attention, but I have to head to bed in 20 minutes. Can we talk until then?"
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Decompress Afterward: After the talk, do something grounded—take a walk, listen to music, or talk to someone else (without breaking your friend's confidence) about how you are feeling.
A Safety Plan (sometimes called a Crisis Plan) is a prioritized list of coping strategies and support sources. It’s a practical tool used to help someone lower their "emotional fever" when they are in a crisis.
Think of it like a fire drill: you don't want to be figuring out where the exit is while the building is on fire. You want a map already printed on the wall.
🗺️ The 6 Steps of a Safety Plan
If you're helping your friend build one, you can walk through these steps together. It’s best to write this down on paper or in a notes app.
1. Warning Signs
These are the "red flags" that a crisis is starting.
Examples: Feeling restless, sleeping too much, isolating from friends, or specific thoughts like "I can’t do this anymore."
2. Internal Coping Strategies
Things they can do by themselves to take their mind off the pain.
Examples: Taking a cold shower (the temperature shock helps reset the nervous system), listening to a specific playlist, deep breathing, or playing a complex game on their phone.
3. Social Contacts for Distraction
People or places that provide a distraction without necessarily talking about the crisis.
Examples: Going to a coffee shop just to be around people, calling a cousin to talk about movies, or going to the park.
4. People Who Can Help
Friends or family members they trust to talk to specifically about their suicidal feelings.
Examples: You, a partner, or a specific family member. (List names and phone numbers).
5. Professionals or Agencies
The "heavy hitters" they can call 24/7.
Examples: Their therapist’s number, the 988 Lifeline, or the nearest ER.
6. Making the Environment Safe
Practical steps to limit access to things they could use to hurt themselves.
Examples: Giving their medication to a roommate to dispense, or asking a friend to hold onto the keys to a gun safe.
🤝 How to Suggest This to Your Friend
You don't want to sound like a doctor. You can frame it as a way to help you help them. You could say:
"I was reading about something called a Safety Plan. It’s basically just a list of what to do when things get really dark so you don't have to think so hard in the moment. Would you be open to us jotting a few things down together? It would help me feel better knowing how to support you, too."
📱 Useful Apps for This
If your friend prefers digital tools, these apps are specifically designed to store Safety Plans:
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Stanley-Brown Safety Plan: The "gold standard" digital version of this process.
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Beyond Now: A very user-friendly app for creating and sharing a plan.
Below are some specific internal coping strategies (like grounding exercises) that you can suggest. When someone is in the middle of a "brain storm," their logical mind shuts down. Step 2 (Internal Coping) Strategies is about using the body and the senses to force the brain back into the present moment. Here is a list of specific, science-backed grounding exercises you can suggest to your friend:
🧊 The "System Reset" (Physical Sensory Inputs)
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These are the fastest ways to interrupt a spiral because they trigger the "mammalian dive reflex," which naturally lowers the heart rate.
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The Ice Cube Trick: Hold an ice cube in your hand until it melts, or press it against the inside of your wrist. The intense cold forces the brain to focus on the physical sensation rather than the intrusive thoughts.
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Cold Water Splash: Splash ice-cold water on your face for 30 seconds.
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Sour Power: Keep a pack of extremely sour candy (like Warheads) nearby. The sudden shock to the taste buds can act as a "circuit breaker" for a panic attack.
🖐️ The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
This is a classic mindfulness tool to reconnect with the environment when feeling dissociated or overwhelmed. Ask them to name:
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5 things they can see (e.g., a blue book, a crack in the wall).
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4 things they can touch (e.g., the fabric of the sofa, their own hair).
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3 things they can hear (e.g., traffic outside, the hum of the fridge).
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2 things they can smell (e.g., coffee, old laundry).
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1 thing they can taste (even just the inside of their mouth).
🧠 Cognitive Distractions (Brain Games)
If their mind is racing, they need to give it a "job" that requires just enough focus to crowd out suicidal thoughts.
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Category Listing: Pick a category (like "Types of Dogs" or "Professional Sports Teams") and try to name one for every letter of the alphabet.
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The "Color Search": Look around the room and find every single object that is green. Then, find everything that is silver.
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Backward Counting: Count backward from 100 by 7s (100, 93, 86...). The math is just hard enough to require concentration.
🧘 Somatic (Body) Grounding
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Box Breathing: Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and hold for 4.
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Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Starting at the toes, tense every muscle group as hard as possible for 5 seconds, then suddenly "drop" the tension and feel the muscle go limp. Work your way up to your jaw.
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The "Weighted" Feel: Sit in a chair and focus entirely on the weight of your body pressing into the seat. Notice how the floor feels under your feet.
💡 Pro-Tip for your friend:
Remind them: "You don't have to do these to 'get happy.' You just have to do them to get through the next ten minutes. We can figure out the next ten minutes after that when we get there."